Apologies

I'm So Sorry.....

This thought just pop-ed into my mind, the word "Sorry" don't really make you feel better (or me.... at least). Now, im not saying situations like a person accidentally bump into you and apologize. Or a friend accidentally hit you in the eye. 

The situations im talking about is, maybe, you got betrayed by your best friend, or your spouse. Or you got bullied in high school. I AM NOT BEING EMO. i promise. i just had a good time of thinking about my past. 

i remember when he kept on saying sorry, because he finally decided to tell me the real reason for leaving me, and i had to BEG him to stop saying sorry.

Mainly because the more he said it, the more pain i felt, every sorry, hurts even more. And Sorry, makes me feel more anger, hatred and devastated. SO, sorry doesn't help AT ALL. 

And also the time my dad said sorry for leaving us, of course i forgave him, but i still have thoughts of blaming him for leaving because i didn't have the chance to experience what it was like having a Father and growing up with one. And honestly, i still feel pretty sad about it. And not to mention extremely jealous when i see fathers playing with their children, big or small. 

And also, bullying, well, i have been bullied, all my life in fact, but my type of bullying is a lot of teasing, at first it was fine, but the  "jokes" became more judgmental. To a point that no one had any respect for me or even think of my feelings. And i still remembered i used to DRAG my feet to see my friends, because they are the only ones i've got left. but after each and every meeting, i came home, feeling even MORE miserable about myself, to a point where i actually hate every part of me. 

And i always had a thought of standing up for myself, and stop all the mean comments they have been laughing about me, and i would always imagine, 2 outcomes which is possible to happen:

1. They laugh at me even more. i unfriend them. The End.

2. They felt guilty, and apologized. 

and when i thought of #2. the first (very brief) feeling i've got, is YEAH! In YO FACE! i thought i would feel really really good. but the more i thought of it. It doesn't make me happier. Because i was thinking, what are you sorry for? for making me feel miserable about myself? and you think "SORRY" would cover it? all those tears and self esteem issues which i still have. Sorry doesn't help. And i don't even want to hear them say it. And then after loads of thinking, i decided to just kept quiet.

But, saying you're sorry are manners which our parents taught us. but in serious situations like these, i would rather, that person who hurt me, just forgets about saying sorry. because it doesnt help and makes me feel worse.

However, Im a Weird Person. it doesnt apply to everyone. just me i guess. =)