Letter

You know, Life gets really sucky when you feel pain, Frustrated, anger and all the negative feelings come.

But. Life feels really awesome when you feel joyful, happiness, Touched, and most importantly Loved.

These few days, i think its safe to say i've been really emo. dont feel like updating. dont feel like talking also. dont really feel like eating, i felt really guilty when every time i come home from work, my grandma would cook my favorite dish. but i dont wanna eat. and i cant force myself to eat.

lunch? you guys saw my status of "what should i eat for lunch right?" mainly because i dont feel like eating. last Sunday. i was suppose to receive a letter. then last 2 weeks, i've been thinking a lot of what is the content of the letter. and afraid of what it would say inside to hurt me, or it will make me happy? or angry? i am so afraid to receive the letter, but yet curious and excited. i know i sound mixed up. to be frank, the letter is from Jen Ruw.

Last 2 Weeks of the Sunday, Aunty came up to me and said. on Saturday, when she was cleaning up his room, she found a letter. and its for me. immediately i was so shocked. i was thinking. why me? and till now i was also thinking did aunty approached the wrong person and the letter wasnt for me after all? then i would be really disappointed. so till now i try not to keep my hopes high and try not to be so sure that the letter is for me, until aunty pass it to me, but she forgot to bring it last Sunday. so i guess thats okie. i think God knows im not ready. coz i was quite down for the whole week. somehow i feel quite relief when aunty said "sorry, i forgot to bring." and also a bit of disappointment.

Why do i feel so mixed up is because Aunty said: "i think he knows that he'll be on his way. thats why he wrote a letter for you. you know what i mean?" when she was talking to me, she herself is trying so hard not to shed a single tear. but her eyes were already wet. looking at her. makes me feel really heartbroken. i know i had to stay strong. because if i were to cry along with her. she'd feel a 1000 times more terrible than me. and however forced myself a smile. but how can i stay happy right? i tried really hard not to cry but i failed. i had to run upstairs to cry. i actually dont know why i cried, and couldn't find a reason why. even until now. can anybody tell me why?

you guys may see that im happy like. ALL the time. somehow i cannot show my real feelings in front of others. well. at least to ppl i cared for. because i dont want them to worry. and also until now, my mom would sometimes talk about him. to be frank again, i am not okie with it. im not comfortable with it. its not that i haven't moved on. not that i ha vent accept the fact. i have and had. i just dunno what kind of feeling is this. maybe i wouldn't know at all.

and because of this matter. it almost make me explode! my mood is getting worst by the day, im so anxious till i can really shout my lungs out from a mountain top. i really wanna shout till my voice burst. and till i have no energy to shout anymore and no more voice to shout out. but.... selayang where got mountain right? hahaha... i really have no where to turn to... but my beloved blog.

I LOVE YOU MY CASSIOPEIA. hahahaha.... well. letting everything out to you i feel so much better, hahaha muacks! Oh! why i name my Blog Cassiopeia?

its all because of last time i liked TVXQ right? and they call their fans Cassiopeia. and Cassiopeia is originally a few stars linked together. have you ever tried looking up and see the stars when you're feeling down? i used to do that when i was young. because of the cozy feeling when the night wind gives, and when u just tilt your head up a bit to see the stars. you'll feel really comfortable and all my negative feelings just disappeared. and my eyes would really just focus on the big black patch of thing that are filled with diamonds. they looked so beautiful. thus. after my likings to TVXQ disappeared i start to like this name for my blog. because when i let out everything. i will feel comfortable.

but now. i dont do this so often anymore. because after working, i feel quite tired. bath and go to sleep. and another thing is. stars rarely come out so often like they used to already. or maybe because i didnt noticed? i remembered in Cheras at night there would be A LOT of stars. but now. you can only see 1 or 3 of it. haih... why are you all hiding? Alright. i have to wait for Sin Huey, Mun Teng and Lee Choo to come meet me for dinner =) later we're going to church!